Lesbian trivial!

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her.

"I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But i want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother.
 "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!."

Thx passiontab.com

Haha, that is one way of not getting into teen pregnancy.

Inheritance

(Thx www.funnywallphotos.com)

When the wealthy gentleman passed away, his entire family gathered for the reading of the will.

"To my wife, I leave all my money and my house," the lawyer read.

"To my sons, I leave the new cars. And to my brother-in-law,

who kept saying 

'health is better than wealth,'

I leave my sunlamp".

Submitted by Arnold.

Tom and Jerry Paint Job

TOM and Jerry were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. 

Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest because they mixed their paint with water.

One day, Jerry's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house.

The next day Jerry told Tom he just couldn't be dishonest anymore.

"Don't quit now," Tom begged.

"A few more jobs and we can retire."

Jerry refused to change his mind.

"Tom," he said, "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said,

'Repaint, you thinner.'"

Submitted by Anonymous~

Repent you sinner

God Help me in everything.

The bright young lad thought he could talk his way out of anything.

Stumped by a tough midyear exam, he wrote this excused across the cover:

"Only God knows the answer. Merry Christmas!"

He got his paper back, marked:

"God gets an A. You get an F. Happy New Year!."

Submitted by Bob.

Hahaha. Good come back.

Have not spoken to each other for 20 years. Not now not ever.

Aunt Ana and Jennie had not spoken to each other for decades,

yet when Jennie died Aunt Ana was among the first to pay her respects.

Afterwards I blurted out, "Aunt Ana, why did you go to Jennie's funeral when you haven't spoken to her for 20 years.?"

As quick as a flash and with her customary spunk, she shot back, 

"And I didn't speak to her today, either."

Submitted by Anonymous,

Haha, well, they are never going to talk to each other forever already.

Grammar problems. English teachers where are you?

While rushing to a meeting after i had finished teaching for the day, 

I eased my car past a stop sign. 

Immediately I saw a police car's flashing red light behind me, and I pulled over to the curb.

I was relieved to recognize the young police officer as a former English student of mine.

My relief turned to dismay when he handed me a ticket anyway.

"Sorry, Mrs.Chia," he said. 

"That sign was a period, not a comma."

Submitted by english teacher Mrs.chia

Hahaha, true event. Well, at least her student still remember his grammar. 

religiously maintained

From a London Newspaper: "Vicar's Volvo Estate Wagon, 1971, automatic.

Superb condition, religiously maintained.

submitted by anonymous~

That means the car is in excellent condition. Haha. How true is this i wonder.

Modern art!

Rogue's gallery. An art lover who bought a modern abstract sculpture had his confidence in the purchase severely undermined when he received a letter from the gallery the sold it to him.

The letter began: "Dear Sir or Madman."

Submitted by "Madman".

Hahaha, sorry, but i have to agree. Nowadays "modern art" have no meaning at all. What is happening to the world.

Moving moment!

We were in the process of moving, and two teen-age girls had come to help us load the boxes we'd be bringing in our own cars-- a station wagon and a subcompact.

I looked over the pile, heaved a great sigh, and said, "I guess it's time to pack the little car."

For a moment, the girls gazed at me in disbelief. Then one of them asked,

"And what are you going to pack it in?"

Submitted by John, 

Hahaha, big misunderstanding.

Hidden meaning in certain words 2 !!

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell
in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person who, while falling from the
EIFFEL TOWER,says midway:
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late
and late when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence afterward

DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills with pills and Later with his bills.

Hidden meaning of certain words 1 !!

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees in the end

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

YAWN:
The only opportunity some married men
ever get to open their mouths

Getting married!

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is virgin.

The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... and a shovel."

Paddy asked, "And what do i do with these, doc?"

The doctor erplied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls i ever saw.'  you hit her with the shovel."

Short jokes 2

1. Dad: Shame on you, peter. Why did you hit your little sister?

Peter : Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself.!

2. May, Why did you kick your brother in the stomach?!? exclaimed the angry mother.

"It was pure accident, mama, he turned around"

3. It was the end of the school year and joey's mother asked : "And were the exam questions difficult?"

"They weren't bad at all," her son replied.

"It was the answers that gave me all the trouble".

4.  A family took a trip to Disney world. After three exhausting days, they headed home.

As they drove away, the son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."

The daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."

The father waved, rather weakly and said, "Goodbye, Money."

5.One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.

She says, " Anything you say can and will be held against you."

He replies, "BREASTS"

Short jokes

Hi Guys, sorry did not post anything lately. Was very busy.

Anyway, here are some short jokes submitted by our loyal followers from all over:

1. What did the lesbian frog say to another lesbian frog?
"They are right, we Do taste like CHICKEN".

2. Why do most people find wars unnecessary and brutal?
Because most people don't have shares in arms companies.

3. Boy: Can you catch??
Girl: Why?
Boy: Because i've got a couple of balls coming your way.

4. My Clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. 

So I threw a coconut in his face

5. What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto

Man mourn for the wrong reason! What could it be?

A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan, "Why did you die, oh why did you have to die?"

A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man.

"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer by contiguously.

"He was my wife's first husband!"

Hahahhaha, anyone else other then me get the joke???

Yearly pass to girls dorm? Is that possible?? haha

(Thx diylol.com)

There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules.

The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms.
"If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine.

If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine.

If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at least."

So a boy raises his hand and asks,

"How much for a yearly pass?"

Hahahaha, is there such thing? all boys would dream of it. LOL

Bad luck in disguise? What would you do?

One day, I was walking home from college (yes, i live nearby my college.).

Then I saw Mike, in the field walking aimlessly and cursing away and having tears in his eyes.

*Mike was an extraordinary guy, he was smart, an excellent athlete and very handsome*

I was surprise to seem him down in the dumps and acting like a madman.

I quickly walk over to him, calm him down ask him what's wrong.

He replied,

"I was elected as Most valuable player (He was a basketball star in our college) this year and is asked to give a speech after accepting my medal"

I got shocked, and said: "Is this the reason why you are acting like this?"

He replied again, asking me to be patience,

"I also receive a job interview to be a model on a front cover of a magazine and will be paid well,"

"I won the top prize for a physics competition and is expected to give a speech too in front of the president."

"And i finally got the girl I loved to say 'yes' to go on a date with me."

and many more good fortune on him.

Before he got any further, my head was spinning and at the same time amaze and impress with his accomplishment, I quickly ask him to stop and ask him what is the big problem that make him act like a madman?

He then let out a big sigh, and said:

"All of this fall on the same night".

Oh my, this is really a bad luck in disguise. Hahha.

Letter from hell??????

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mis-typed a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this not on the screen:

"Dearest wife,
Just got checked in, Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S Sure is hot down here."

Hahhaa, what are the odds. I sure would get scared too.

Grey hair problem

A curios child asked his mother: "Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?"

The Mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: "It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!".

The child replied innocently: "Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head."

Hahaha, classic jokes.
Laugh up, its a beautiful monday! =D

Bangkok!

While with a group, touring the majestic temples in Bangkok,

a man asked our guide,

"So where exactly did they film The king and I?"

Without batting an eyelid, the guide replied

"That would bee in Hollywood, sir."

Submitted by Ina, from philippines.

Funny streets name!

I had just moved to an address between Sunset Avenue and Sunrise boulevard, 

one of the city's major streets, 

and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, Honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

Submitted by Linda,

Hahaha, linda you have to be more specific. 

Before vs After Marriage

Are you agree, Kuching "lang"??

Sarawakian, let's show "them" who we are!!!

GIRLS & BOYS in the mirror

Policeeeee~

One night my friend Jon and I were in a bar where he used to work when an attractive woman, a former colleague, came in and sat next to him.

She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer,

and needed to get out of the house for a while.

They had been talking for a few minutes when as a joke, I leaned over to Jon.

"Don't Look now," I whispered,

"But a big guy just walked in, and he's got a gun."

Without hesitating, Jon turned to me and said,

"Quick, Ed"

"Kiss me on the lips"

Submitted by Ed,

Hahaha, this is what i am talking about. Share those funny memories with us. I would freak out if i were Jon.

Car crash. So serious!

A car crashed into the front window of a local formal wear shop and ended up in the showroom.

Luckily no-one was injured, but the shop was closed a while for renovations.

As I drove by several months later, I noticed a large sign posted outside:

"We are back. Please Come in. Leave Car outside."

I walked up to the customer entrance and saw a smaller sign emphasizing the point:

"No food. No drink. No Cars."

Submitted by Robert.

Hahaha. Is this for real? They must be seriously traumatized.

Flight attendant job! haah

One of my most difficult tasks as a flight attendant is to enforce rules while keeping customers happy.

The electronic equipment that comes on board creates the greatest challenge. 

I have to ask passengers to turn off computers, electronic games and cell phones that can create interference in communications between the pilot and the air traffic control tower.

During one landing, a man persistently kept his cell phone to his ear.

I confronted him and said,

"Sir, you cannot talk on your phone until we reach the terminal."

"I'm not talking," he replied.

"I'm listening."

Submitted by Yap.

Air-cond dilemma

When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a servicemen to take a look at it.

It turned out he was a secondary school classmate of my husband's,

a man named Love.

He said to ask for him the next time we had any problems.

The next year, when we needed service again, we requested Mr.Love.

After he had finished repairing our air-conditioner, he left his work order behind.

On it was written my name and a note:

"Wants love in afternoon."

Submitted by David,

Haha.. some people may have written it without realizing how it sound like.

Respect your pastor!

Giving a sermon one Sunday, I heard two teenage girls in the back giggling. I stopped speaking and announced sternly, "there are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said."

That quieted them down. 

After the service, I went to greet people at the front door. 

Three adults apologized for going to sleep in church,

promising it would never happen again.

submitted by william.

Some thumbs of rules for pilots!

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

3. The propeller is a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can watch the pilot start sweating.

4. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

5. Stay out of clouds. the silver lining everyone keeps talking about might just be another plane travelling in the opposite direction.

6. You start out with a bag full of luck and empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before emptying the bag of luck.

7.There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no-one knows what they are.

Rich people's problem!

"But surely it wouldn't hurt you to donate something," the fund raiser said to the wealthiest man in town when he refused to give to a charity.

"You don't understand," said the wealthy man.
"My 91 year old mother has been in the hospital for five years, my widowed daughter has five small children to support, and my two brothers owe the government a great deal of money."

"I didn't realize you had so many financial responsibilities," said the fund raiser.

"It's not that," said the wealthy man.

"I'm trying to tell you that when I don't even give a penny to them, who do you think that I will to you?"

Submitted by anonymous.

Hahaha, stingy old man! Hope its not real. Hahah

Elephant and keepers have their problem. Help them out.

Two elephants presented by India to Zanzibar Africa, created both a sensation and a language problem on the Indian Ocean island. The elephants Indirani, eight and Govindan, five, gave delight to Zanzibari children and adults, who had never seen an elephant on their island. The problem arose when their Indian trainer attempted to hand the jumbos over to Zanzibari Keepers, who speak only Swahili.

The Elephants understood only commands in HIndustani.

The Zanzibari's problem was whether to teach Hindustani to the keepers or Swahili to the elephants.

Submitted by Sanjay

Haha, both decision will be tough!

Funny cars! inside jokes.!

(Thx www.dailyhaha.com)

We always take two cars when we go on vacation because our family is so large.

I drive the lead vehicle, and my wife follows in the second car.

To keep me posted on the state of things in her car, she has devised a few signals I can observe in my rear-view mirror.

When she turns on her parking lights, it means that she is sleepy and need a cup of coffee.

When she turns on the windshield wipers, it means the kids are getting restless and need to stretch their legs.

Blinking hazard lights tell me that a fight is in progress.

But my favorite signal is the one she uses to inform me that the kids need to use a rest room.

She simply turns on the windshield squirters.

Submitted by anonymous~

Home into house or house into home?

A while ago, my husband and I purchased our first home. It needed lots of paint and repaid, but we were thrilled to have been able to buy it and were willing to do whatever work was necessary.

A few days after we moved in, my husband was working outside while I was busy indoors. A neighbor drove by and rolled down his window to ask how things were coming along.

I heard my husband's happy reply:

"Well, it's already a home - we're trying to make it into a house."

Submitted by patricia.

Haha.. mis-spoken. LoL

Lawyers joke!

One day, one a plane, a lawyer and an old man sat together. 

It was a very long flight.

Mid way of the flight, the lawyer got bored.

He turn to the old man who was sleeping peacefully and woke him up.

The lawyer then said, "Let's play some riddles to past time."

The old man respectfully decline and intended to go back to sleep.

However, the lawyer wont give up so easily and quickly said,

"If you fail to answer my riddle, you give me RM5, however if I fail to answer your riddle i will give you RM100!."

The lawyer challenge the old man.

The old man, then agree to play. 

The first round, the lawyer told a riddle and the old man fail to answer. Then the old man pay the lawyer RM5.

Now it is the old man's turn, the old man say,

"What has three heads, one body, three legs, three hands and can only run backwards?"

The lawyer was stun, not giving up easily, the lawyer went to the internet and search for answer. The old man continue his sleep. After a while, the lawyer finally gave up and paid the old man, Rm100.

Then the lawyer ask for the answer,

The old man then say, 

"I also don't know"

And the old man paid the lawyer Rm5 and went back to sleep.

Classics! Hahaha.

Magician embarrassment? hehe.

Hired to perform as a magician at a church banquet, I closed my act by "magically" producing candy for all of the children, and then took a seat next to the podium to listen to a speech by the school superintendent. Soon i noticed a small boy in the fourth row trying desperately to get my attention. 

I pretended to ignore him, 

but the more uninterested I appeared, 

the more outlandish his attention-getting antics became.

By mid-speech, the superintendent was visibly annoyed. In a final effort to save his speech,

he turned to me and said,

"I suppose if I am ever to continue, you should find out what is troubling that young man."

Embarrassed, I went over to the child.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

In a loud voice, he replied,

"My mom says I can't eat candy. Could you make mine a 

peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

Submitted by ralph.

Awwwww... children. So cute. Haha.

The Past And the future Generation!

An Indian Scientist who had just been awarded his doctorate in astrophysics was taken by his proud parents to visit some of the older folks in the family. 

After a lengthy and complicated explanation of his field, 

the young man looked around to see if he had got his message across.

His grandfather smiled warmly at him and said, 

"Son, in our day we called it astrology."

Submitted by Terrence

Password not long enough!

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.

The husband said, "put 'MYPENIS' as the password!"

The wife fell on the ground laughing!!!

Because the computer screen prompt out error, "Error, Not long enough."

Shit in the woods

Two blonde men were in the woods hunting.  One looked at the other and said, "I've got to shit!"

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."

The blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar.  That's a great idea, I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Boyfriend got talent!

Boyfriend : "How is my guitar playing?"

Girlfriend : "You should be on TV for your talent!"

Boyfriend : "Am I so good?"

Girlfriend : "If you were on TV, I can at least switch it off!"

Stupid teacher

Teacher : "Everyone who thinks he's stupid, please stand up!"

After a while, only one student stood up...

Teacher : "So, you think you are stupid?"

Student : "No, Sir"

Teacher : "Then, why did you stand up?"

Student : "I felt bad seeing you standing alone, Sir!"

I'm the principal's daughter

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter!"
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy to the girl.
"No." she replied.
"Thank goodness!"

Wedding jokes

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

The mum replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Why women talk more than men?

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
The wife thought about this for a while.
She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. 
Her husband looked stunned.  He said "What?"

SHIPment & CARgo ???

Why is it that when you transport by CAR, it's called SHIP-MENT??

But when you transport something by SHIP, it's called CAR-GO???

Marriage !!

The tearful young woman complained to her doctor that her marriage was going down the drain. 

"When we were newlyweds," She cried,

"It was pure madness. He would grab me around the waist, spin me around the room, knock over the furniture, rip the tablecloth off the dinning room table with all the dishes on it, then kiss me passionately on top of the bare table. Now there's nothing.!"

The doctor was sympathetic.

"Take these pills" he said,

"And put them in your husband's morning coffee, They'll solve all your problems. And let me know how things go."

A week later the doctor discovered to his horror that he had given the patient triple-strength pills. 

But he was pleasantly surprised when she walked in beaming and told him,

"Everything's just wonderful!. The hugging, the spinning, the chairs flying, the tablecloth, the dishes on the floor, the kissing -- it's been glorious!".

The doctor was pleased, but he felt guilty about over-prescribing. He confessed what he had done, then asked,

"Can I at least pay for the dishes?"

"By no means," she said.

"Besides, I don't think they will let us in that restaurant again anyway."

Submitted by Wong.

Hahahaha...overdose! If only there is such drugs!

Overweight dilemma

Dieter to friend: "This morning I telephoned to sign up for an exercise class and the instructor told me to wear loose clothing. I said, "if I had any loose clothing, I wouldn't need the class."

Submitted by Anonymous~

Golf trivia!

A Man came home from the golf course, threw his clubs on the floor and slumped into his favorite chair.

"What's wrong?" His wife asked.

"Did you have a bad round?"

"It was all right, i guess," he said.

"Poor Score?"

"I shot a 75."

"Why, that's wonderful. It's the best you've ever done. How did Harry Do?"

"He's the problem," said the man.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"I thought Harry was your best friend."

"Well, he was until today. It was so hot on the course that he passed out on the 12th hole, and from then on it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

Submitted by Alex thien.

Haha, thats a lot of work to do considering you are doing well on that day! 

Short jokes!

Wow, we receive many jokes from everywhere. Here are a few which we compile together, because it is really short and really funny. Hahaha. Enjoy =)

"Man waiting on corner for wife, to acquaintance: "She lives in a time zone all her own"

Submitted by Anonymous

"At the single's club: 'I've had it with looking for Mr.Right. Now i am looking for Mr.Pretty Good."

Submitted by Mike Lee.

"Doctor to Patient: "Sorry, but right now you're not in good enough shape to get in shape"

Submitted by James dent

Wife's Duty

Two college friends met again after several years.

"You must be married," said one.

"How Can you tell?"

"Your clothes used to be all rumpled. Now look how neat you are."

"Yes. My wife made me press this suit."

Submitted by Chow.

Hahaha, thanks chow, the world is changing now.